Let’s have a frank conversation.

As the involuntary mascot of St. Patrick’s Day, it’s my duty to fill you all in on how to celebrate the day properly. First of all, if you’re not Irish, don’t pretend you are—there’s no such last name as “O’ Smith” and we all know it. Second, lay off me gold, you’ll never get it so you might as well back off now. And last, if you’re planning to down a few green beers, be responsible about it. At 2 feet 2 inches tall, I have a pretty low tolerance, so I try to lay off the stuff. My pot of gold won’t hoard itself, you know. And now that I’m expected to keep whimsically shaped cereal marshmallows on the down-low as well, I can’t let my guard down for a minute.

If you’re celebrating March 17th, don’t rely on the luck o’ the Irish. Follow these St. Patrick’s Day safety guidelines instead:

Designate a driver. If you’re going to be the one who drinks, don’t be the one who drives. Being the designated driver can be very profitable. Not only will grateful friends buy you food and non-alcoholic drinks, the potential for humiliating photographs – and resulting blackmail profits – is huge. Not that you would do that, of course. But between you and me, I didn’t get my big pot o’ gold just from cobbling shoes in the forest.

Pay someone to drive. Can’t find anyone to volunteer as DD? Call a rideshare service like Uber or Lyft to take you to and from the festivities.

Celebrate at home. An even better idea: Stay in your own house (or hollow tree) and invite friends over. If anyone has a few too many, let them crash on your couch, and you’ll all feel better in the morning. Emotionally, anyway.

Drive defensively. So you decided to go out, you behaved responsibly, and now you’re on your way home. Remember: Just because you’re driving sober doesn’t mean everyone else is. Steer clear of drivers who weave or drift from lane to lane, and of course, make sure you’ve got solid auto insurance (no one can predict everything; at least, not without magic). Watch out for erratic pedestrians, too – as far as I know, there’s no such thing as a designated walker.

Wear green. This has nothing to do with driving, but it will save you from a pinch in the fanny.

Celebrate safely, humans, and enjoy St. Patrick’s Day. I’ll be hiding out at the end of the rainbow, counting my gold (you wouldn’t believe the residuals I got from that horror movie in ’93). Sláinte!